Pronouns 101
By now, the cultural visibility of the transgender, genderqueer and gender nonconforming community has seriously expanded the way that we view gender. And while general awareness about gender diversity has increased, there are still some technical aspects that many people continue to struggle with, chief among those being the use of gender-neutral pronouns.
Pronouns are integral to gender visibility, and they are shared because we want to avoid assuming someone's pronouns based on factors like appearance. By sharing or asking about pronouns routinely, we encourage others to do the same and demonstrate that we understand the importance of sharing pronouns. Using someone’s correct pronouns is an important way of affirming someone’s identity and is a fundamental step in being an ally.
Why do people want to use gender-neutral pronouns anyway? What’s wrong with gendered pronouns?
It’s not that there is something wrong with gendered pronouns; it’s just that the pronouns “he” and “she” come with a certain set of expectations about how someone should express their identity and relate to the world. For many people, gender normativity can get in the way of self-expression—so the words “he” or “she” can feel limiting. Some people have a gender identity that is non-binary, and conventional pronouns have the effect of assigning them a binary identity.
If someone doesn’t want to be referred to as “he” or “she,” what should I use? What are the options?
The most common gender-neutral pronoun used by genderqueer and gender nonconforming people is “they/them/their,” but that doesn’t mean it’s the only option. Some people choose to use the gender-neutral pronouns “ze/hir/hirs” (pronounced “zee/here/heres”) or “ey/em/eir” (pronounced “ay/em/airs”), among others. There are lots of gender-neutral pronouns out there, and they can certainly get confusing. Here's a list of the most common pronouns:
PRONOUNS CHART
Subjective
Objective
Possessive adjective
Possessive pronoun
Reflexive
She smiles
I like her
Her hat is blue
That is hers
She likes herself
He smiles
I like him
His hat is blue
That is his
He likes himself
They smile
I like them
Their hat is blue
That is theirs
They like themselves
Ze smiles
I like zir
Zir hat is blue
That is zirs
Ze likes zirself
Hir smiles
I like hir
Hir hat is blue
That is hirs
Hir likes hirself
Xe smiles
I like xem
Xem hat is blue
That is xyrs
Xe likes xemself
What about Ms., Mrs. and Mr.? Are there gender-neutral options for those?
Fortunately, there are! If you need to refer to someone who prefers gender-neutral pronouns in a formal context, you can use the gender-neutral honorific “Mx.” If you’re inviting someone to your fancy dinner party, you can address the invitation to “Mx. Smith.”.
Are gender-neutral pronouns only for transgender and gender nonconforming people?
Not at all. While gender-neutral pronouns are often used by genderqueer and gender nonconforming people, you don’t have to identify that way in order to use them. If you feel more comfortable navigating the world without gendered expectations, then gender-neutral pronouns can work for you. There’s no identity you have to claim in order to use genderless language.
I saw someone who looked like they may have been genderqueer the other day. Should I have used gender-neutral pronouns?
Perhaps, but that’s not the right question to ask. You can never make any assumptions about what pronoun someone uses based off of their appearance. There’s no such thing as “looking like” a he, a she or a they. The only way you can know what pronoun someone prefers is byasking them.
In practice, you should ask everyone what pronoun they use if you don’t know. When you don’t know someone’s pronouns and can’t ask them, it’s always safe to use the gender-neutral “they” until you hear otherwise.
Isn’t that awkward to ask when you first meet someone?
Meeting new people is always awkward. But using the wrong pronoun to refer to someone is more awkward because pronouns are about respect. “By using the right pronoun, you can show that you see and respect their identity,” says Adams. Really, it’s about creating a culture where asking people about their pronouns is just a normal, natural part of introductions.
Like this:
“Hello, new person that I’m meeting at a cocktail party. I’m Zoe.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Pat. What pronouns do you use Zoe?”
“I use they. What about you?”
“I use he, thanks for asking. Anyway, um, some weather we’re having today, huh?”
Asking about pronouns will not solve your social awkwardness issues, but it will definitely make you a nicer, more empathetic human being.
Are you sure that I have to ask? Won’t someone just tell me if they prefer a pronoun other than he or she?
Someone might proactively tell you if they prefer gender-neutral pronouns, but if you make an assumption about their pronoun without asking, then the onus will fall on them to correct you. And we all know how awkward it is to have to correct an erroneous assumption that a stranger makes about you.
It’d be like living in New York City, assuming that everyonecelebrates Christmas and then expecting people who celebrate another holiday to correct you. They might still tell you that they are Jewish or Muslim or atheist and don’t celebrate Christmas, but it’s pretty inconsiderate and will most likely make you look like a jerk in the process.
So I now have to ask everyone that I meet what their pronouns are?
Correct.
Really?
Yeah. It’s the only way to ensure that we’re building a gender-inclusive world where people are allowed to determine their gender identities for themselves.
Ugh. But what if I don’t want to?
It’s 2021. You need to know how to wash your hands, and you need to know how to ask people what pronouns they use.
COMMON OBJECTIONS AND QUESTIONS
"They", as a third-person singular pronoun has been in use since the 14th century. Today we use the singular “they” all the time when the gender of a person is unknown.
Examples:
- "Someone left their umbrella behind"
- "Someone dropped their wallet! I’ll put it in the lost and found. They must be looking everywhere for it."
All major dictionaries recognize the singular “they” as grammatically correct and the AP and Chicago Style Guides also recognize its usage in cases where a subject doesn’t identify as male or female.
Besides… if you really would like to get picky, we leave you with this thought: no one finds the royal"we"unremarkable in its use as a third person singular when it is grammatically a third person plural.
Using someone's correct pronouns is a form of respect.
Purposefully disrespecting someone’s pronouns is a form of homophobia and transphobia and leads to an environment that is unwelcoming, unsafe and potentially dangerous for some members of our community.
An increasing number of people use"they/them"pronouns or pronouns other than "he/him"or"she/her". Sometimes simply because they don't want to use pronouns that have a gender association - just as some people use "Ms." regardless of marriage status because they don’t think it should be relevant - and sometimes people these pronouns because they identify as nonbinary (genderqueer, agender, gender-fluid, third/additional genders).
Please note that while some nonbinary people identify as trans, there are some who do not, and many trans people identify as male or female. Everyone has the right to choose which set of pronouns they are comfortable with.
Contrary to popular perception, this is not actually new.
There have always been trans, non-binary, gender queer, gender fluid, agender, third/more genders around the world.
The fight for inclusion and accessibility has simply become more widespread, with more folks working towards being allies and creating safe spaces.
This is a positive step forward and we must keep striving to create welcoming, safe and inclusive spaces.
That’s great if you are using the pronouns they told you to use. But if your friend prefers a different pronoun and are simply not correcting you every time, chances are that they feel unsafe doing so. They may be afraid of getting into an awkward situation by repeating themselves to someone who is not listening.
It takes a lot of courage and trust for someone to come out and to express what they would like for people to use to refer to them. You don’t get a free pass because you are someone’s parent/sibling/childhood friend/family member. You are just making them uncomfortable and reinforcing that you aren’t supportive or a safe person.